Mary Anne Bell Journal:
November 23rd 1969,
I wake up to the sound of planes flying over me. Back home I would have woken up to the sound of birds chirping outside my window and the smell of breakfast being made downstairs. It's amazing to think how much my life is changed and how different everything is. I am a new woman and I know that this is my new life. As I look outside, I can see the sun coming up. The sun seems brighter over here. Back home I wouldn't take a second look at the sun but there is something different about it here in Vietnam. It is so bright and full of new beginnings and adventure. I wonder what the day has to hold and I wonder about all of the new experiences that I get to enjoy today. The land gives so much and I am ready to take full advantage of that. Whenever I think about all of the new things I want to see, I feel a pang of sadness for Mark. He invited me here to spend time with him, neither of us realizing the effect that this country would have on me. I want to be a good girlfriend to him after all of the thins he has been through but it's hard to control my fascination. Yesterday I was able to cook a Vietnamese feast with the local village people and serve it to the injured and unhealthy civilians. At home, I would have never been able to do anything like that and it feels so good to be a part of something. The adrenalin that rushes through your body here in Vietnam is like nothing else I have ever experienced. I have lived my whole life in a box being safe and protected. Now, I can live life on the edge and be able to be a part of something. The people here are able to teach me so many things and I have learned so many of their customs and traditions. Today I hope to find some action and be able to feel alive. I do get scared at times but the feeling is so addicting. Mark doesn't think that I will be able to stay for long because I am a weak girl to him. I want to prove everyone wrong who just thinks I am a pretty face. I want to go and find danger in this country and face it head on. I want to be able to experience this war hands on. Vietnam will always have a special place in my heart. I won't tell Mark but I think that this is my new home. There is no way that I could abandon these people and all of the new skills that they can teach me. I am willing to learn how to survive in this new world and constantly have the feeling of being truly alive.
Mary Anne Bell
I wake up to the sound of planes flying over me. Back home I would have woken up to the sound of birds chirping outside my window and the smell of breakfast being made downstairs. It's amazing to think how much my life is changed and how different everything is. I am a new woman and I know that this is my new life. As I look outside, I can see the sun coming up. The sun seems brighter over here. Back home I wouldn't take a second look at the sun but there is something different about it here in Vietnam. It is so bright and full of new beginnings and adventure. I wonder what the day has to hold and I wonder about all of the new experiences that I get to enjoy today. The land gives so much and I am ready to take full advantage of that. Whenever I think about all of the new things I want to see, I feel a pang of sadness for Mark. He invited me here to spend time with him, neither of us realizing the effect that this country would have on me. I want to be a good girlfriend to him after all of the thins he has been through but it's hard to control my fascination. Yesterday I was able to cook a Vietnamese feast with the local village people and serve it to the injured and unhealthy civilians. At home, I would have never been able to do anything like that and it feels so good to be a part of something. The adrenalin that rushes through your body here in Vietnam is like nothing else I have ever experienced. I have lived my whole life in a box being safe and protected. Now, I can live life on the edge and be able to be a part of something. The people here are able to teach me so many things and I have learned so many of their customs and traditions. Today I hope to find some action and be able to feel alive. I do get scared at times but the feeling is so addicting. Mark doesn't think that I will be able to stay for long because I am a weak girl to him. I want to prove everyone wrong who just thinks I am a pretty face. I want to go and find danger in this country and face it head on. I want to be able to experience this war hands on. Vietnam will always have a special place in my heart. I won't tell Mark but I think that this is my new home. There is no way that I could abandon these people and all of the new skills that they can teach me. I am willing to learn how to survive in this new world and constantly have the feeling of being truly alive.
Mary Anne Bell
"Though she was young, Rat said, Mary Anne Bell was no timid child. She was curious about things. She liked to roam around the compound asking questions. The guys sometimes liked to kid her about it - our own little native, they'd say - but Mary Anne would just smile and stick out her tongue. 'Im here,' she'd say, 'I might as well learn something'" ( p.96)
Paint it Black - The Rolling Stones
~Lyrics included:
"Paint It Black"
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors any more, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door I must have it painted black
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black
No more will my green sea gord turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors any more, I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,..
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!
Hmm, hmm, hmm...
Letter home to parents:
Dear Mom and Dad,
I miss both of you more than you can even imagine. Life here is so different and I actually like the change. I want you to both know that I am doing well and I don't want you to worry about me. For the entire 17 years of my life I have been a part of a sad and empty routine. I loved being with you at home but that wasn't home to me. I have really taken a liking to Vietnam. There is so much to experience here and I have learned so many new things. Yesterday, I actually caught my own fish and was taught how to cook it up over a self made fire. Of course I served it with rice because that automatically goes with everything here which I could get used to. Not that I don't love or miss you both, I just feel like I have an opportunity to live life outside of the U.S. and I really like it so far. I miss living and the people in Cleveland Heights. You will all have such a special place in my heart and I think of you all everyday. I love how simple yet exciting life is. I became too accustomed to the same routine back and home and it feels so freeing to break loose of my old ways. I feel like I have had my whole life planned out for me, I grow up, get married, have children, and make a family of my own. I never even questioned my future because I never thought that there would be an alternative. Coming to Vietnam has opened my eyes up to the world and all of the new and amazing things it has to offer. The people here are so understanding of me not knowing much about their land or customs. I love Mark but I fear that he only sees me as a young naive girl who can't possibly survive here. I believe that I can prove him wrong and be able to be a warrior just like all of the other men. I seek adventure and whatever is out here. I promise that I will be safe and I will work so hard to find ways to take care of myself. You both have taught me so much and I wouldn't have been able to embark on this magnificent adventure without you both. Thank you so much for everything and I'm sure we will see each other soon! Take good care of each other. I love you both and I will always be thinking of you as I find myself here in my new home.
Love your daughter,
Mary Anne
I miss both of you more than you can even imagine. Life here is so different and I actually like the change. I want you to both know that I am doing well and I don't want you to worry about me. For the entire 17 years of my life I have been a part of a sad and empty routine. I loved being with you at home but that wasn't home to me. I have really taken a liking to Vietnam. There is so much to experience here and I have learned so many new things. Yesterday, I actually caught my own fish and was taught how to cook it up over a self made fire. Of course I served it with rice because that automatically goes with everything here which I could get used to. Not that I don't love or miss you both, I just feel like I have an opportunity to live life outside of the U.S. and I really like it so far. I miss living and the people in Cleveland Heights. You will all have such a special place in my heart and I think of you all everyday. I love how simple yet exciting life is. I became too accustomed to the same routine back and home and it feels so freeing to break loose of my old ways. I feel like I have had my whole life planned out for me, I grow up, get married, have children, and make a family of my own. I never even questioned my future because I never thought that there would be an alternative. Coming to Vietnam has opened my eyes up to the world and all of the new and amazing things it has to offer. The people here are so understanding of me not knowing much about their land or customs. I love Mark but I fear that he only sees me as a young naive girl who can't possibly survive here. I believe that I can prove him wrong and be able to be a warrior just like all of the other men. I seek adventure and whatever is out here. I promise that I will be safe and I will work so hard to find ways to take care of myself. You both have taught me so much and I wouldn't have been able to embark on this magnificent adventure without you both. Thank you so much for everything and I'm sure we will see each other soon! Take good care of each other. I love you both and I will always be thinking of you as I find myself here in my new home.
Love your daughter,
Mary Anne
"If the girl was nervous, she didn't show it. She felt comfortable and entirely at home; the hostile atmosphere did not seem to register. All morning Mary Anne chattered away about how quaint the place was, how she loved the thatched roofs and naked children, the wonderful simplicity of village life." (p.96)
1. Tangible Items
Mary Anne couldn't hide that she wanted more than just a life of settling down with Mark and starting a family with him. "At first, Rat said, Mary Anne seemed to accept it, but then after a day or two she fell into a restless gloom, sitting by herself at the edge of the perimeter. She would not speak. Shoulders hunched, her blue eyes opaque, she seemed to disappear inside herself. The next morning she was gone. The six Greenies were gone too.
Vietnam War Poem:
NIGHT
Asian moon
Swims fathomless deep.
Star-rivers course
Boundless banks
Of Stygian stream.
Pin-prick flares
Man-made suns,
Spawn brilliant
Glow, sigh, and slowly die
In the black.
Red embers,
Green glows, trace silent
Warplane's
Distant flight.
Death sparkles
Brilliant diamond
Artillery flashes
Dancing, darting,
To distant drums.
~Curt Bennett
Asian moon
Swims fathomless deep.
Star-rivers course
Boundless banks
Of Stygian stream.
Pin-prick flares
Man-made suns,
Spawn brilliant
Glow, sigh, and slowly die
In the black.
Red embers,
Green glows, trace silent
Warplane's
Distant flight.
Death sparkles
Brilliant diamond
Artillery flashes
Dancing, darting,
To distant drums.
~Curt Bennett
2. Intangible Items:
Defining moments:
One night Mary Anne's boyfriend, Mark, woke up to Mary Anne missing. He checked the whole compound and did a head check of his men. He was sure that Mary Anne was sleeping with Eddie Diamond but he later found Eddie fast asleep in bed. He was scared for her and needed to find her. Rat helped him look but they couldn't find her anywhere. Mitchell Sanders later informed them that Mary Anne had been taking part of an ambush with the Green Berets "Greenies". She had left the compound to take part of an ambush which was extremely dangerous.
After Mark had arranged for Mary Anne to go home, she disappeared yet again. The Greenies also disappeared. Mark knew that they had all left together and she had become a part of them. One night, Mary Anne returned to the compound but didn't even stop by Mark's bed. She appeared to have a jungle glow in her eyes and her mind was completely set on other things.
Mark Fossie waiting outside of the Greenies camp, waiting for Mary Anne to come out, he needed to see her. After a while, she emerged out of the shadows. At first, she looked like the same girl but Mark noticed that all life had left her eyes. He also noticed a necklace wrapped around her neck that was made out of human tongues. The tongues represented her desire to consume all of Vietnam. Her desire was figuratively and literally. "Sometimes I want to eat this place. Vietnam. I want to swallow the whole country - the dirt, the death - I just want to eat it and have it there inside me. That's how I feel. It's like...this appetite". -Mary Anne
"There was a new confidence to her voice, a new authority in the way she carried herself. In many ways she remained naive and immature, still a kid, but Cleveland Heights now seemed very far away."
Vietnam War Poem:
WAR YEARS
See us old men
Sittin’ round the table
Remembering when we were still young
Remembering when we were still able
Drinking our Beers
Coffee or Ginger Ale's
Telling our stories
Telling our tales
Once we were Warriors
Once we were strong
Our whole life was before us
What went wrong?
We once had dreams
We each had a plan
When did each of us discover
That we were just a man?
Once we were Warriors
We fought in the Vietnam War
While many back home were chanting
“What ya’ fightin' for?"
Some of us were wounded
Some of us died
And each of us felt
The loss of our nation's pride
Ask us to tell our stories
If you dare
To share our memories
But beware
Not all our memories are fun
And not all our stories are good
Because Vietnam was what we had
Instead of a happy childhood
We trained hard
We learned to kill
Some of us never got used to it
While others liked the thrill
Life there was cheap
We could end it with a push of a button
That's why we forced ourselves to say
"Hey man, it don't mean nothin'"
Some of us flew through the air
Some of us served on the seas
Some of us fought in the jungles
Or in the paddies, in mud over our knees
Don't blame us if we seem angry
Try to understand us if we seem bitter
It's because our "Leaders" used us up
And then cast us aside like litter.
~Bobby L. McBride
See us old men
Sittin’ round the table
Remembering when we were still young
Remembering when we were still able
Drinking our Beers
Coffee or Ginger Ale's
Telling our stories
Telling our tales
Once we were Warriors
Once we were strong
Our whole life was before us
What went wrong?
We once had dreams
We each had a plan
When did each of us discover
That we were just a man?
Once we were Warriors
We fought in the Vietnam War
While many back home were chanting
“What ya’ fightin' for?"
Some of us were wounded
Some of us died
And each of us felt
The loss of our nation's pride
Ask us to tell our stories
If you dare
To share our memories
But beware
Not all our memories are fun
And not all our stories are good
Because Vietnam was what we had
Instead of a happy childhood
We trained hard
We learned to kill
Some of us never got used to it
While others liked the thrill
Life there was cheap
We could end it with a push of a button
That's why we forced ourselves to say
"Hey man, it don't mean nothin'"
Some of us flew through the air
Some of us served on the seas
Some of us fought in the jungles
Or in the paddies, in mud over our knees
Don't blame us if we seem angry
Try to understand us if we seem bitter
It's because our "Leaders" used us up
And then cast us aside like litter.
~Bobby L. McBride
Artifacts:
Fire music video and Vietnam War footage